Its been two years since i stopped writing. I realised that putting your thoughts on a paper or just simply deciding to express them in any other way will affect you more. Because you relive everything that happend, all the feelings ..And, as a self-judgemental writer as you are you're gonna judge yourself for everything that happend. Its called anxiety .
Lately i have learned a big deal about anxiety and despression. You don't truly understand it until you get it yourself. After a few months of feeling like nothing in my life could change the way i felt about some certain things, i decided to get professional help and i ended up at a phychiatrist that prescribed me happy pills. I advice anyone on this blog to only go through this medication if its absolutely really needed and there's no going back . They make you feel careless , you bearly remember to eat, you don't care about absolutely nothing, not even about yourself. It sounds good, but the rough part is getting off of them . I was prescribed 6 months, which is normal , but after two months i realised that i can do this on my own so i got off of them . Once you get on happy pills it will be really though for you do get off them. No matter what you're going through there's always something that could be worse. I am writing this because i am off the pills and i'm back to the beginning. I have had my biggest heartbreak , biggest love, biggest mental and emotional exhaustion , and all because i did the wrong things. I take all the blame for what happend to me , i wasn't careful enough to finish something that i knew would hurt me from the beginning.
When he first walked through my door. My first glimpse of him . I knew he would be the end of me . I knew he would destroy me in every way possible . And i let him do it through-out a few months. I feel like i will never heal. No matter what i do i keep remembering. Everything, i remember every non-sense detail , and still , i blame myself for everything.
I'm writing this because i had a dream last night. I saw him in my dream, trying to make everything back to normal, for us to be like we were when it all started . The fact that i remember so well is killing me softly because it makes the dreams more real. His smell, his smile, the way he layed his hands full of poisson on my innocence. I let him destroy every part of good i had in me , i let him take it all. This is the biggest mistake we make when we love someone . We make them our everything . We put everything we have in that relationship. And when they leave without giving you a heads-up it breaks you. And even if you get that specific heads-up, you don't wanna accept it cause you still have a bit of hope he will change. You're patient, you would like to help him get through all his twisted thoughs and shine through it , you would sacrifice your own happiness for him . Now that is twisted my girl. Shame,shame on you...When they decide the got what they needed from you, which is temporal comfort to hide their insecurities,they take everything you had with them
You are left with nothing.
You watched him do it slowly.
Carefully.
And me, i was sure about what the end will hold up for me.
I sit back now and rewind everything. He wasn't even trying , he wasn't giving me half of what he was , he was careful , he didn't allow himself to catch feelings, and i don't know why i did . I am supposed to pretend nothing happend and what we had never existed, because according to him it never should have existed, but what hurts the most is the fact that i didn't get to say goodbye properly, i don't get to see him from time to time, i don't get to catch up with him.I became a stranger to him .
There are so many things he should have known about it, but i never told him because it would have affected him in some way too ,as it affected me . So i decided to keep it all to myself, to keep him protected from it all . Even till this day, i would never ask him for anything he doesn't want. I understand him , he wants something else, he has different expectations about a woman than i am . I was not good enough and i might never be. But i just want to see him thrive, i want to see him make it through everything he will go through, with or without me .
